a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
