Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
