wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize