Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
