Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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