overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
