Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize