Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize