if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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