You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
