I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
