I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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