no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Michael Bay diarrhea
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
