I cannot find my penis.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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