i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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