my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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