My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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