I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
