I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
