I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
These tits shall not be calmed
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
