Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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