I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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