More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
