____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
