We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
