if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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