Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
