Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize