God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
