Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize