come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
what day is it and did you see me today?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
