she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize