She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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