Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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