I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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