Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
