genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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