I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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