hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
