update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
