I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
