im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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