I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
