The maid of honor just puked.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
