I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
