Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Two words: blizzard sex
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
