Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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