I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
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