you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
