Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What a dumb baby whore.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
