so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my shit smells like andre
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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