I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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