we have officially lost it.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
