if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
