i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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