No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
