her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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