we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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